Netherlands - Amsterdam

Let’s be honest, and this has nothing to do with whether or not you agree or disagree with its legality, the red light district in Amsterdam is simply the best. Do I like every single thing about, no of course not, but pound for pound it can’t be beat, and we’ve been everywhere.
To be clear, you will never, ever date a woman that looks like this. Never. Obviously I’m excluding your wives and girlfriends…ahem. But never. Maybe if you have a Ferrari you can date models, but you’re still paying at the end of the day. This opportunity, which in its most perfect state is completely and utterly volunteer and for individual profit, is the closest you will ever come to hanging out with a model. These women are gorgeous. No not all of them. No not all the time. But much of them, and much of the time. Vegas has the same looks, and some other places do too, but you can’t do what you can do in Amsterdam, and you certainly can’t do anything for a hundred bucks. Seriously. Like what the fuck. Guys are gross. The fact that you can do this at all is a miracle for your sad depressing gross existence. So go dummy.

Went to Golden Key on this trip to finally find out about this side of Amsterdam, the “safe and luxurious” red light houses. I chose it over Asmara and LV because of the online reviews, weird I know. I thought it would be awkward and I was right and wrong. The guy at the front desk, who owned it as a family business he said, told me the gig. You pay 50 bucks to sit at the bar and get 2 free drinks. Ladies will join you but they can’t speak to you until you choose one, once you choose you pay 300 bucks to go upstairs and all normal things are included, massage and full ending if you wished it…I did not. The only thing weirder about sitting alone at the bar with 3 women staring at you but not speaking, is if there had been another dude at the bar! Haha
Anyway, she was super nice, but not even close to the red light district looks and body. She did a bath thing which was weird then did no massage. We talked mostly. It was weird. Glad I finally did it.
Was gonna go to Bonton after, I hoofed it and Bonton was close but I lost my will to walk away from the hotel so I went back to the red light destrict and checked out Bananen Bar. An “upscale” strip club like Bonton but they have 2 levels. One for 60 bucks where acts are performed on stage, with, you guessed it, bananas. And the top floor which was maybe a typical strip bar. That being said, these girls were smokin. Very much the same as the window girls. Smokin. 35 to get in including 2 drinks. 35 for a lap dance where they not only say you can touch anywhere but down there, but they will continually place your hands on everything. Everything. And they were Smokin. It was quite a thing. I wasn’t there long but I think taking my girl to Bonton might be fun. Bananen is too in the center and this was full of drunk meat heads. It was fun for a moment or 2.
Club 21 is right in the thick of things and is like an oddly Thai massage place. The menu is very clear about what you’ll get so there’s not a lot of, what’s gonna happen at the end stuff. My massage was terrible but the girl was nice and we chatted. It’s an easy yes I would say. After my last trip of incredulous massage failures, this place was staring me in the face the whole time. I’m a solid dummy.

*On the walk above I passed through Reguliersdwarsstraat in the Soho area and it was packed with bars. We should check it out next time.

from before…

I think Amsterdam might be one of my favorite places in the world. But not because of what you think…cause of the prostitutes! Haha. Kidding. I do think regulated professionals is the way to go as a side bar. Everyone seems very non chalant about it and it’s actually kind of charming in a strange way. Now sex shows can get a little weird…and we sat in the first row at one of them! Expensive as shit btw. They also have peep shows that are seedier than the sex shows. However, going into a little room with someone while watching two other people go at it can be quite exhilarating. I’m glad we were drunk because it’s kind of tight in there and I didn’t see much sanitizer floating around.
Anyway, the red light district also acts as the old town and china town (pretty cool Chinatown actually and the food was money) is there as well. This area is quaint, fun, busy, and beautiful. Commerce lining canals is the way to go in my book. Plus, the people are super nice. AND, there are prostitutes everywhere. What the hell.

We walked an ass load in Amsterdam. We set out to see the city and we were not disappointed. The Anne Frank house is one of the biggest attractions and the line was outrageously too long to stand in. I get the draw morally, but at the end of the day, it’s a house. Look at a picture. And not to disappoint, but the exterior is all strangely modern now.

PS. When smoking pot, do not already be wasted. Do ask a lot of questions. Do not try to smoke hash like a joint. In fact, if you don’t do drugs, why buy hash at all? Oh it’s the best thing for noobs? Really mister pot salesman guy? Is it also twice as expensive because it’s so light?

On my most recent trip…

Taxis sure ain’t all Tesla’s anymore. Mine was a lovely mid century mini van. Cost about 55 euros.

The dehallen food hall is the real deal. Like no joke. They have everything. It’s all interesting and well done. So very impressed. It’s about a mile from the W but it’s a pretty and easy walk. You’ll be rewarded upon your arrival. I ate at the Vietnamese street food stand. Rad.

Overall Amsterdam was pretty packed. You can still feel the after effects from covid, like more empty store fronts than normal, and like everywhere else, every single retail shop is short staffed and hiring. It felt good though. It felt close to normal.

Most recent trip Dec 2022

Rons gastropub was great! Worth every bit of that Michelin star.

That Chinese place you like up the stairs doesn’t actually serve Peking duck how you like and in fact you don’t like this place even though you keep remembering that you do. So stop it :)

The afternoon tea service at the Duchess was fun, but really it’s just the seating area off to the side of the dining room and it’s just not an event level experience. It was fine. Lunch there might have been better.

Why haven’t you done an Amsterdam canal cruise. Seems so easy.

The Ann Frank house was moving as shit as always, and the kid simply could not take it. You do need a solid rez these days.

We did that modern pancake house right next the ann frank house this time. It was fine but just not as fun as the old as hell place down the street.

The Van Gogh museum was fine, but his most famous works ain’t there, so a bit of a let down.

A little July 2024 Update:

Went to Utrecht to go to the Miffy museum. Do not do this. The museum is a joke unless you happen to live in Utrecht. Cute town but so many are.

Taylor Swift! Whoa that was a fun concert. I don’t regret the expense one bit.

Mr Porter has seen my last dollar. No to go food!!!??? Are you kidding me. You just throw away millions of pounds of food a year?

The babysitter game this time was strong. 2 separate ones and it worked out great.

Notes to self:

-Treat yourself to a herring sandwich from one of the markets. It tastes like shit and it’s small too!
-Pancakes. Yeah, for some crazy reason you’re supposed to get pancakes. We went to the Pancake Bakery on Prinsengracht (near Anne Frank) to get the supposed best and most famous pancakes in Amsterdam. Place is old as hell and pretty cool and the servers were nice. The pancakes were…fine.
-I always tell people that The Netherlands and surrounding areas are the cleanest places on earth. Not this time. This time there was garbage strike. It was dis-gust-ing. Trash piled higher than your head. Yes, it may be appropriate, trashiness surrounding trashiness…but usually it’s quite clean.
-On one of our epic walks (this particular one might have done me permanent damage) we went to Leidseplein, which is like a commercial area pretty far from old town. Lots of fun shops and tons of people. Great stuff.
-There are a bunch of cool markets (Albert Cuypmarket is pretty cool) that one should at least spend some time browsing.

-50 euros in a taxi from AMS, no need to tip much or nothing, all taxis were Tesla’s which was rad. Did not check Uber

-50 euros a piece for a girl (we never bothered to negotiate)

-Train station in Amsterdam was disappointing on the food side, but maybe we did it wrong. Usually european train stations are baller.

-Staying at the W was close enough to everything. We walked so much and loved every second. Even when it rained we had a blast. Beer and women every night what a wife.
-We also walked to the Westerstraat Market one day and felt it was underwhelming.

-The first time we went in 2001 we stayed in an apartment we found just while walking around. Not such a bad sitch…

-On my most recent trip I went to 3 separate massage places. One randomly and 2 well researched. First one regular Chinese massage. Second one the dude at the counter did it himself super pressure style. Third was in a dark ally and I was certain I was home free. Nope. At least I learned my lesson this time and asked. They only do regular massage. WHAT THE F—K AM I MISSING! This is absolutely, 100%, no question, legal, and my dumbass can’t even pay for it. Clown shoes.

-So after much searching I found a couple answers. Along with the government goal of completely moving the red light district, which will destroy every business down there, they have already started reducing the hours of the adult shops. I thought it was odd that they closed so early, but I talked to one of the owners and he said they all want to stay open late, but what was an all night affair, was pushed back to 2am, then they restricted it to midnight, and recently they required them all to close at 10pm nightly. Holy shit right? But there’s more, the fun, and if you’ve never been to one it takes some getting used to, video cabins that every single store has were also required to close. Like close close. How about that shit, it explains a lot. I bet that explains the massage place crackdown too. I went to 3 separate places, the last one out of frustration was in the center of the deepest darkest ally I could find, and not a single one did anything other than massage. It was like the twilight zone. Normal people seeking massage therapy really go to ramshackle Asian massage parlors in dark alleys?! That’s bananas.

-I hoofed it to the Museum quarter and its posh PC Hoofstraat shopping street. For starters this was not a fun walk, but more importantly it just wasn’t that interesting. It was every expensive designer store you could think of, but that was basically it. No fun cafe situation or street activity. To be fair there was some patios and there is this one cute street called Cornelis Schuytstraat that is more boutiquey and right next to the Hoofstraat, but it just didn’t do it for me…

The Kalverstraat and the Leidsestraat are far closer, and far more fun, but also far more pedestrian, and most of those stores you can find in any big city anywhere.

Soooooooo, the only truly interesting and unique shopping is the area known as the Nine streets. Fun stores you’ve never heard of. Independent restaurants. Cool architecture. You are gonna walk to see all of it, but it’s right near the main parts of the city (and incidentally the W) and is truly the only real shopping option.

-Couple weird notes…That William Higgins keno place was dark and weird - you never saw much in the Singel area (along the Oude Nieuwstraat) - most of the streets you liked were the short side streets between the nieuwmarkt and the main canal where casa rossa and all the other big things are - La vie in rose next to the Oudekerk is actually supposed to be cool.

Kapansky Amsterdam -Aug 2023

I really thought there would be pay per view. I don’t know why I care, I just do, and they should have it. Mini bar offerings were weak but they do have good room service and amenities. Overall I love the location but it’s not worth the price. Cool modern decor with a good “dam” view (you pay extra for that) and a nice shower/bathroom, but nothing really makes it worth the money. And I stay at the W usually, which can cost way more.
I’m also a little pissed about the phone. There’s nothing on it! I asked downstairs and she was like, oh you dial 99…I was like what the fuck. Other than location I’m not sure I’d stay here again. Maybe with my girl in a suite…

The lobby is giant and cool and maybe I would argue getting a cocktail her would be my best bet in the future.

W Amsterdam - Nov 2018, Mar 2022, Dec 2022

This hotel is the jam. Not just any jam, the real deal jam. What a W find.
First of all it’s 2 buildings, one for the regular rooms and one for the suites and cooler rooms, so make sure you’re on the bank side and not the commerce side (the names of the buildings). The exchange building does have the big bar and club. Upon further review both sides have their own virtues! The lobby, lounge bar, and Mr porter are on the exchange side. The Duchess is on the bank side.

The room was perfect (Fabulous room). Gorgeous bedroom with a sexy as hell tub next to the bed with an even more gorgeous bathroom behind it. The perfect pornstar shower and everything we could possibly want, sans a view…but in Amsterdam if you aren’t directly on a canal then that doesn’t really matter anyway. No PPV which I found odd but they had everything else.

There are a couple of restaurants but the standout is The Duchess. One Michelin star but it would be cool as shit without it. Great design, great bar, great kitchen lounge area, great food, and great cocktails. You would be hard pressed to find a place like this that wasn’t popular as shit…and this was. The scallop small plate was whoa.

Perfect location just a few blocks from the old town and a short walk pretty much anywhere.

More recently…

They put me in a lovely room and called it a fabulous, it had a great canal view but other than that it was definitely a wonderful category. I was like hey I know pictures on the app aren’t always perfect room reflections, but this is ridiculously different and boring. They moved me to a sublime room, that is huge and nice, and with a smaller but still good canal view. Sublime is their new, directly above fabulous category btw. It was a strangely dark room, which can be nice, but it was a very nice room, very nice.

Oh funny, I asked if there were any upgrades to WOW’s, and they said yes, but they didn’t qualify for ambassador status free upgrades, so for just a thousand euros each extra a night I could have it. I was floored. Ambassador doesn’t mean shit. Don’t get me wrong, being elite matters, but all you need is platinum. Ambassador doesn’t mean shit. I mean she repeatedly said there were no suites available. Not only could I see suites available on my phone, but I declined doing suite night upgrades that were being offered because I felt the room I purchased was actually better! Ambassador doesn’t mean shit. I only got a cool room cause I had to request a change.

Duchess is still the jam! :)

Breakfast is now at Mr Porter. As of right now the “included” breakfast is one single hot item from an extremely basic a la carte menu, plus self service visits to the cold bar! Ha! Ambassador don’t mean shit.

Have I mentioned the spa? Dude. Duuudddee. Did we really not go to that last time? Huge indoor pool (there’s an outdoor one too that’s heated but it was cold outside and unappealing), dry sauna, awesome hammam, cold plunge tub, super heated plunge tub, huge hidden hot tub, and showers and loungers everywhere. The kicker is the setting though. It’s dark and cavernous. Cave like. The lighting is low and perfect. The music is so relaxing, and they pump it very well under the water too. So so impressed. Everything above is unisex too. The only down side might have been all the back and forth up and down the stairs going from treatments to lockers to amenities and back. Great show overall though. The gym was perfectly fine btw.

I had to stay a night on the back end as well, early AMS departure…got the marvelous bi level loft suite in the exchange this time. Cool digs! It might be a little too big for me which makes it less cozy, but I’m truly not complaining. It’s a killer room. Lots of mirrors and fun surfaces if you have your girl with you. There’s like a cushioned staircase with a mirror at the top that seems to have been built for only one purpose, wink wink. It is only an atrium view but it was fine.

Now, the hotel says that Mr. Porter (on the exchange side) is not a hotel restaurant and is privately owned, but don’t even get me started on the night they had a half empty restaurant and wouldn’t seat me at the bar, which was completely empty. It was a joke. A cruel joke. What a joke of a situation. Seriously, screw you.

Room Update Dec 2022

The bank side bi level marvelous is not great. Kinda small and the shower is circular with a wrap around curtain. There are 2 bathrooms which is nice, but the exchange side loft is far far superior. Another thing we didn’t love was the very low lighting, which is cool for drinks but not necessarily for make up and getting ready etc.

The fantastic suite is pretty rad. The outdoor terrace and hot tub are great. The room is big enough with multiple areas like tub and couch spots. The view is limited but they’ve created this little nook where you look on the street. The reason for this is the outdoor terrace with the hot tub is 100% and I mean completely private. Very cool.

The heat not working so great was an issue for us, plus the low ceiling by the vanity, but that’s character I suppose. 

Hotel Amsterdam De Roode Leeuw - June 2014

I actually like this place, even if it wasn’t very unique for such an old city. It’s a straight and easy walk from the train station. It is on a major square (Dam Square in the city center) with the old town/Red light area on one side and the outer canals and markets on the other.

The lobby was small but there was a restaurant (not my style but some people might like it). The elevator was small but quicker than what I’ve come to expect in Europe. The rooms were modern and nice. Faux wood floors but they were cool. Huge windows that opened onto the street. Our room had a nice alcove coffee table area where you could sit and open the windows and just enjoy the air and sounds. We also had a two bathroom set up. One with a separate shower and tub, and one with the other facilities. Bed was two singles pushed together with separated sheets (unlike a cruise ship set up where the sheets force the mattresses together) so you’re shit can get all disconnected. Nice place overall though. Friendly staff. Good location. TV was comically small.

Notes

-There was a ton of construction right in front of the hotel while we were there. Kind of noisy and definitely a drag.